Questioned- Pondered and Written by Harish
It has been a little over a day that Sushant Singh Rajput, a popular Indian film actor ended his life. There have been millions of messages swarming news channels, internet, and social media. WhatsApp status, Facebook posts, Twitter handles, and Instagram messages talking about depression, mental health and seek to help messages. I just wanted to tell you that you haven’t been there. Some of you may have heard, read, been aware and few may have even understood what the person has gone through, but have not experienced it.
I’m not going to dwell on reasons for committing suicide. All that is a truism; Job loss, failed relationship, bankrupt business, mental disorders, chronic ailments, global pandemic, or another loss of life of a dear one. Remember, Every Man has his Breaking Point, from the Movie, The Shawshank Redemption. I have endured pain so much and cannot take it anymore. I have suffered day-in and day-out. I have taken one day at a time and pondered a zillion times before giving up on one’s dreams. Neither the decision is taken in haste, nor am I being selfish to end it all in one moment, and leave all family and friends in vacuum for lifetime.
To say it is cowardly is cliché; it takes guts. Imagine this: while shaving my beard, I do know that a small cut on the cheek with the razor-blade is going to hurt. It is going to leave me bleeding. I’m going to go through the pain. The wound will even leave a scar and maybe a permanent one on my face. Similarly, boiling water, sour taste, pouring rain, and all the like is going to affect me, my senses. Getting the act right is not easy either. As I stand on the terrace and look down upon the ground, a doubt arises in my mind that the jump from that height will still leave me with a broken arm or fractured leg. The poison will just leave me in a coma, a vegetative state, not even able to seek my mercy killing. Self-immolation will give it a shade of protest by news channels. The ceiling fan may break from the hook. The rope may not bear my weight. If I do not get the noose right, it will leave me paralyzed neck below and bed-ridden for the rest of my life. The positive side is I can plead my mercy killing in this case.
You know what is more disastrous. Those who say to reach out to friends, to talk to counselors, to practice all the helpful techniques, and to take medication. Have I been talking to you properly? Have I lost interest in eating out? Do I answer your calls or respond to your messages? Have my words and actions reflected that I needed help? Didn’t you read the signs, buddy? The painting attached to this article is done by me, and you still did not get it.
The moment from when the action is taken until death is more painful. I’m still under dilemma; has the choice been right? Will my family able to move on? Will my friends or relatives support them? Have I tried enough? Being passionate about movies, the entire life flashes in front of me like a feature film. In the words of Paulo Coelho, “Films never tell you what happens next”.
Here and now, the pain has healed. The battle of life and death within me has come to an end. All the feelings of being in regret, a sense of guilt, thoughts of hopelessness, fear of loss has all stopped. The question of an alternative to life sucks has been answered…or did I find the alternate answer.
The article does not encourage suicide. It is not intended to incite debate, nor encourage discussion. For the rest platitude stuff, use Google.
As I still hit the Post/Publish button, my wife is holding my hand and saying, “if you are getting these thoughts, I will kill you myself!”
